Yet I am reflecting upon love. Take that, Hallmark!
I stopped looking for a prince quite some time ago, vowing to be "awesome and unavailable" forever, swearing off that whole messy "relationship" thing. I loved with conviction while others loved with convenience and situational comfort, thus creating an emotional chasm which was exhausting and defeating. My attitude came from years of experiential learning that provided me with both formal and informal data on heartbreak and trustworthiness (specifically, a lack thereof).
I thought the curriculum I was supposed to learn was that I am the only person upon whom I can count, the only person who was truly committed to me and that it's better to be balanced as a single human being than to live within the confines of a relationship in which the power, passion, and all-in-edness sways sharply to one side or the other. It seemed, however, like a tough way to have to learn these things; it left me bruised and allowed me to build an almost impenetrable fortress around my heart.
Since then, though, I have learned how to live in the present. I've learned to live with my truth and the truth of others and accept nothing less of myself, while still showing compassion to and for those around me. I've learned to love from the edge of my soul and be open to incredible possibility, seeking out the good in others from the get go rather than requiring them to first prove that their presence in my life is value-added. It's a far better place in which to dwell.
I am incredibly grateful to the teachers I've had related to this subject matter; for they have taught me how to trust and allowed me the opportunity to be me, restoring my faith in the idea that people are inherently good and that there are, indeed, truly selfless people among us. They have reminded me of who I am at my core and reinforced my desire to never again compromise on the things I hold most sacred.
Today I realized that I was not wrong about my curriculum. I just needed some multi-modal teaching techniques in order to get it through my pea-sized brain and understand it from a more global perspective.
And so, with renewed effort, I shall be awesome and unavailable... yet incredibly content with myself in the present moment, open to new experiences and hopeful that my circle will continue to grow with people whose lights shine brightly with possibility.
