I wasn't able to eat at all today, save for a package of Chomps, a peppermint mocha and two wheat thins.
Feeling crappy due to the calorie deficit, I decided at 8:30 PM that maybe, just maybe, I needed to create an "experience" for myself rather than simply force myself to eat.
I carefully chopped and sliced and melted and poured then grabbed the most recent issue of Real Simple. I sat down at the table by myself with a glass of malbec, and a plateful of carrots, celery, a granny smith apple and a few slices of from a sourdough baguette, all of which I dipped into cheese fondue while leafing through my magazine and sipping my wine.
I was, in that moment, utterly and completely sustained.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A Sickness Carol (by popular demand...☺)
The Twelve Days of Sickness...
On the first day of sickness my lupus gave to me a painful, swollen right knee.
On the second day of sickness my lupus gave to me forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the third day of sickness my lupus gave to me extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the fourth day of sickness my lupus gave to me severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the fifth day of sickness my lupus gave to me five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the sixth day of sickness my lupus gave to me many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the seventh day of sickness my lupus gave to me a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the eighth day of sickness my lupus gave to me a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the ninth day of sickness my lupus gave to me nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the tenth day of sickness my lupus gave to me ten dark blue fingers, nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the eleventh day of sickness my lupus gave to me inexplicable weight loss, ten dark blue fingers, nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the twelfth day of sickness my lupus gave to me pericarditis, inexplicable weight loss, ten dark blue fingers, nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the first day of sickness my lupus gave to me a painful, swollen right knee.
On the second day of sickness my lupus gave to me forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the third day of sickness my lupus gave to me extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the fourth day of sickness my lupus gave to me severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the fifth day of sickness my lupus gave to me five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the sixth day of sickness my lupus gave to me many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the seventh day of sickness my lupus gave to me a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the eighth day of sickness my lupus gave to me a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the ninth day of sickness my lupus gave to me nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the tenth day of sickness my lupus gave to me ten dark blue fingers, nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the eleventh day of sickness my lupus gave to me inexplicable weight loss, ten dark blue fingers, nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
On the twelfth day of sickness my lupus gave to me pericarditis, inexplicable weight loss, ten dark blue fingers, nine rounds of puking, a lovely low-grade fever, a case of pleurisy, many mouth ulcers, five little seizures! Severe neck pain, extreme fatigue, forgetfulness and a painful, swollen right knee.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Enjoy the Ride
I sat on a bench soaking up the beauty of my friends and my surroundings and counting my blessings when out of nowhere this incredible spirit came over to me. Years of hardship were etched into his face. He smiled and said something about some people believing that life is just like getting in and out of a car, point A to point B. I told him I felt that there was so much more to life than that and that we each must make the most of it. He laughed a deep, rich belly laugh, pointed a crooked finger at me and said, "ain't it the truth". He backed a few feet away and from the depths of his soul and with the voice of a gospel angel, began to sing Amazing Grace with such passion that he made us both tear up. When he was finished I thanked him for the song. He told me he was gonna fly soon and asked if I believed it. I said I understood. He asked me to pray for him and, much to his dismay, I think, I told him to do the same for me. As he walked away I called after him to say, simply, "Enjoy the ride."
Friday, November 6, 2009
Song Bird
Maya Angelou is, perhaps, my most favorite literary giant. Her words are rich and powerful, touching and poignant, yet she is so altogether unassuming.
Exhibit A recently read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, possibly one of the greatest books of all time, by my estimation. She was moved, as most of us are, by Maya's story.
There's a stand alone Angelou essay about Maya's brother who played an integral part in the events that shaped her life and Exhibit A felt compelled to write her own piece about the single most important person in her world. In keeping with the singing theme, she selected a song that reminded her of her subject and she interwove the lyrics throughout her writing.
She chose me.
She stood in front of the room with her selected piece of music playing in the background and she began to read her words with a confidence we all wish to have when the spotlight shines upon us.
I can't possibly express here the depth of her essay or even hit the highlights, for I know I won't do it justice. I am not sure I've ever felt so utterly overwhelmed with pride, love, humility and gratitude all at the same time.
I can tell you that the part that touched me the most was that she said I was a "working woman"... but she didn't mean I have a job. Instead, she stated that I don't approach anything with less than my best and no matter whether it's a volunteer position, my job, a family matter, fighting an incurable illness or sustaining a relationship with another person, I put forth 150%. She also talked about my green eyes, my mad cooking skillz, my willingness to teach other people new things and, perhaps most touching, my ability to face adversity with courage, strength of character, beauty, grace and an unending sense of humor.
All the while she wove into her essay the following lyrics by Kate Voegele which continued to play in the background:
This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle
I've seen high, I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up
To pack up, leave town
Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me
So can you lift me up?
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words can ever say
I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come when the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Somewhere, everybody starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It's taught me to outrun my fears
Everything that's worth having
Comes with trials worth withstanding
So can you lift me up?
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words can ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And a day will come when the fight is one
And I think that day has just begun
Oh lift me up... oh lift me up... oh lift me up
Lift me up, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
How is it that one so young is so incredibly wise beyond her years and that she understands so much more than so many people who have lived longer and fuller lives? Once again, I am humbled... yet also just incredibly thankful that that my words and actions have reached her, that I am one step closer to where I need to be in order to know with great certainty that my work here is, indeed, done.
Exhibit A recently read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, possibly one of the greatest books of all time, by my estimation. She was moved, as most of us are, by Maya's story.
There's a stand alone Angelou essay about Maya's brother who played an integral part in the events that shaped her life and Exhibit A felt compelled to write her own piece about the single most important person in her world. In keeping with the singing theme, she selected a song that reminded her of her subject and she interwove the lyrics throughout her writing.
She chose me.
She stood in front of the room with her selected piece of music playing in the background and she began to read her words with a confidence we all wish to have when the spotlight shines upon us.
I can't possibly express here the depth of her essay or even hit the highlights, for I know I won't do it justice. I am not sure I've ever felt so utterly overwhelmed with pride, love, humility and gratitude all at the same time.
I can tell you that the part that touched me the most was that she said I was a "working woman"... but she didn't mean I have a job. Instead, she stated that I don't approach anything with less than my best and no matter whether it's a volunteer position, my job, a family matter, fighting an incurable illness or sustaining a relationship with another person, I put forth 150%. She also talked about my green eyes, my mad cooking skillz, my willingness to teach other people new things and, perhaps most touching, my ability to face adversity with courage, strength of character, beauty, grace and an unending sense of humor.
All the while she wove into her essay the following lyrics by Kate Voegele which continued to play in the background:
This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle
I've seen high, I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up
To pack up, leave town
Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me
So can you lift me up?
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words can ever say
I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come when the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Somewhere, everybody starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It's taught me to outrun my fears
Everything that's worth having
Comes with trials worth withstanding
So can you lift me up?
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words can ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And a day will come when the fight is one
And I think that day has just begun
Oh lift me up... oh lift me up... oh lift me up
Lift me up, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
How is it that one so young is so incredibly wise beyond her years and that she understands so much more than so many people who have lived longer and fuller lives? Once again, I am humbled... yet also just incredibly thankful that that my words and actions have reached her, that I am one step closer to where I need to be in order to know with great certainty that my work here is, indeed, done.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Girl Talk
My house backs up to thick woods which right now glow with the fire of fall colors. The beauty of living in the dirty south is that on a crisp fall day it's just cool enough to whisper autumn but fair enough to soak the outside world in sunlit warmth.
Exhibit A and I sat on the deck this afternoon sipping hot, spiced cider and talking about everything and nothing all at once.
As her words started to flow she opened up to me more and more and for the first time ever, there was talk of... a boy.
She likes a boy but she doesn't know his name. He is tall and has strawberry blonde hair. I asked her if she'd just seen him from afar and thought he was cute and she looked at me like I have three heads then went on to explain...
She was in the hallway trying to get from one class to the next and a few things dropped from her locker. The boy was passing by and stopped to help her. He picked up what dropped and handed it to her with a smile.
The measure of a man is not so much in his looks or even in his words, but in his actions. I've tried to model a life of action for my children and explain to them what matters most. How happy I am that my daughter has already started to figure out what took me years and years to understand.
Exhibit A and I sat on the deck this afternoon sipping hot, spiced cider and talking about everything and nothing all at once.
As her words started to flow she opened up to me more and more and for the first time ever, there was talk of... a boy.
She likes a boy but she doesn't know his name. He is tall and has strawberry blonde hair. I asked her if she'd just seen him from afar and thought he was cute and she looked at me like I have three heads then went on to explain...
She was in the hallway trying to get from one class to the next and a few things dropped from her locker. The boy was passing by and stopped to help her. He picked up what dropped and handed it to her with a smile.
The measure of a man is not so much in his looks or even in his words, but in his actions. I've tried to model a life of action for my children and explain to them what matters most. How happy I am that my daughter has already started to figure out what took me years and years to understand.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Chivalry...
It's not dead.
I fully admit that in my life time I have made a few poor choices with regard to the princes who have come and gone from my kingdom. I believe that in any such relationship the signs are there if you look hard enough... but often we want so much for things to have a fairy tale ending that we overlook the obvious or, perhaps, the subtle. For some, the issue isn't so much that they don't see the signs but that they simply become too enmeshed in their patterns that they are willing to accept mediocrity. On the flip side, sometimes we don't give enough credit where credit is due and we fail to recognize how truly amazing the people in our lives are which puts us at risk of missed opportunities to kiss frogs or sleeping princesses.
I've been hanging out with a particular prince for awhile now. Tonight I had some errands to run and he happily offered to come along to keep me company which, I believe, was code for keep me safe.
As we stood in line at the grocery store an elderly lady in front of us dropped a $20.00 bill on the ground. It came as no surprise that the prince picked it up and handed it to her. As the cashier gave her the total, this sweet lady realized she hadn't enough cash with her and stated she needed to put some items back. Without knowing the amount owed, the prince informed the cashier that he would be covering the balance. The thing is that it didn't surprise me in the least and it was almost a race to see who could get the words out the fastest as my mind works in exactly the same way and I certainly would have offered had he not.
So yes, chivalry is not dead... I just think, sometimes, our sensitivity to the acts of kindness around us might be.
I fully admit that in my life time I have made a few poor choices with regard to the princes who have come and gone from my kingdom. I believe that in any such relationship the signs are there if you look hard enough... but often we want so much for things to have a fairy tale ending that we overlook the obvious or, perhaps, the subtle. For some, the issue isn't so much that they don't see the signs but that they simply become too enmeshed in their patterns that they are willing to accept mediocrity. On the flip side, sometimes we don't give enough credit where credit is due and we fail to recognize how truly amazing the people in our lives are which puts us at risk of missed opportunities to kiss frogs or sleeping princesses.
I've been hanging out with a particular prince for awhile now. Tonight I had some errands to run and he happily offered to come along to keep me company which, I believe, was code for keep me safe.
As we stood in line at the grocery store an elderly lady in front of us dropped a $20.00 bill on the ground. It came as no surprise that the prince picked it up and handed it to her. As the cashier gave her the total, this sweet lady realized she hadn't enough cash with her and stated she needed to put some items back. Without knowing the amount owed, the prince informed the cashier that he would be covering the balance. The thing is that it didn't surprise me in the least and it was almost a race to see who could get the words out the fastest as my mind works in exactly the same way and I certainly would have offered had he not.
So yes, chivalry is not dead... I just think, sometimes, our sensitivity to the acts of kindness around us might be.
Things That Make Me Happy
1. My little one's belly laughs... the kind that is only ever elicited by his awesome big brother, the kind that makes people stop and listen and laugh themselves. The kind that you wish you could bottle and listen to whenever you have a bad day now or years from now.
2. Skinny margaritas... rocks, sugar.
3. Waterfalls... nothing like hiking a remote trail, finding a big rock and just hanging out there for the day. Best to go with someone who plays the guitar (bonus points if that someone is responsible for hiking in with it).
4. White water... doesn't matter where, what category... just gimme some.
5. My bikes... my stupid, cheapass, silly, girly pink mountain bike. It makes me feel strong and reminds me not to lose my sense of humor. My pretty roadie that has taken me down paths I never knew existed, both literally and figuaratively.
6. Knowing that there is no item #6... and getting the joke.
7. Teaching group X classes to newbies who are hooked immediately, to athletes who can handle the challenge and keep coming back for more, and to everyone in between.
8. Music... I have such a connection to music... I can tell you what was playing on the radio 22 years ago when I was driving a friend's Toyota Carolla, sitting at the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and River Road in DC. It was not a special moment in time, nothing interesting happened. It's just how I am. It's like there's a musical score always going on in my head. Music is important to me every second of every day. Really.
9. Special K... after spending our college years together it has been a treat for us to live near each other once again and for me to know the incredible woman she has become.
10. My other BFF... not a day goes by that we don't laugh together, sometimes even through the tears. Just moments ago during a very serious and difficult conversation I couldn't resist the urge to say something over the top sassy. It broke a moment that needed breaking and we both understood it, we found solace in the ensuing giggles, and that was good therapy.
Not long ago she sent me a note that said "there is so much to thank you for but what I really want you to know right now is that you've been the most amazing friend a person could ever have." I feel exactly the same about her... and that, in and of itself, makes me happy.
11. Making other people feel good, helping those in need, being the best friend/mother/insert any number of titles here... that I can be makes me happy. I hope that I've made a difference in the lives of others whose hearts and heads I've touched. I hope I've made people be more self-reflective and inspired big thoughts. It is my sincerest hope that someday someone will say that a day without the Cranky Princess is like a day without sunshine.
12. My job. I feel so blessed to do what I love and therefore love what I do.
13. Watching my daughter dance. It's amazing to me to see such passion and drive in one so young.
14. My Prince Charming... the one I'm lucky enough to love... who loves me to the moon and back and then some. I think he's kinda lucky, too.
15. My guidelines for how to live my life. They keep me grounded. I'm proud that I have them &, for the most part, that I stick to them.
2. Skinny margaritas... rocks, sugar.
3. Waterfalls... nothing like hiking a remote trail, finding a big rock and just hanging out there for the day. Best to go with someone who plays the guitar (bonus points if that someone is responsible for hiking in with it).
4. White water... doesn't matter where, what category... just gimme some.
5. My bikes... my stupid, cheapass, silly, girly pink mountain bike. It makes me feel strong and reminds me not to lose my sense of humor. My pretty roadie that has taken me down paths I never knew existed, both literally and figuaratively.
6. Knowing that there is no item #6... and getting the joke.
7. Teaching group X classes to newbies who are hooked immediately, to athletes who can handle the challenge and keep coming back for more, and to everyone in between.
8. Music... I have such a connection to music... I can tell you what was playing on the radio 22 years ago when I was driving a friend's Toyota Carolla, sitting at the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and River Road in DC. It was not a special moment in time, nothing interesting happened. It's just how I am. It's like there's a musical score always going on in my head. Music is important to me every second of every day. Really.
9. Special K... after spending our college years together it has been a treat for us to live near each other once again and for me to know the incredible woman she has become.
10. My other BFF... not a day goes by that we don't laugh together, sometimes even through the tears. Just moments ago during a very serious and difficult conversation I couldn't resist the urge to say something over the top sassy. It broke a moment that needed breaking and we both understood it, we found solace in the ensuing giggles, and that was good therapy.
Not long ago she sent me a note that said "there is so much to thank you for but what I really want you to know right now is that you've been the most amazing friend a person could ever have." I feel exactly the same about her... and that, in and of itself, makes me happy.
11. Making other people feel good, helping those in need, being the best friend/mother/insert any number of titles here... that I can be makes me happy. I hope that I've made a difference in the lives of others whose hearts and heads I've touched. I hope I've made people be more self-reflective and inspired big thoughts. It is my sincerest hope that someday someone will say that a day without the Cranky Princess is like a day without sunshine.
12. My job. I feel so blessed to do what I love and therefore love what I do.
13. Watching my daughter dance. It's amazing to me to see such passion and drive in one so young.
14. My Prince Charming... the one I'm lucky enough to love... who loves me to the moon and back and then some. I think he's kinda lucky, too.
15. My guidelines for how to live my life. They keep me grounded. I'm proud that I have them &, for the most part, that I stick to them.
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