Begin Again

Alright... so it's been a minute since I last threw a hissy fit around these parts. However, as I sit here, in the home I've "grown up" in over the course of the last 7 years, surrounded by boxes just waiting to be filled, I'm struck by the idea that the greatest mantra of all time is, indeed, Begin Again. So here I am, beginning again.

I'll never forget the moment that the movers left me here on that crisp November afternoon. I stood alone in the sun room, in all its bright, beautiful glory, and I felt a giant weight lifting off of my shoulders. I was finally free to be me... no more having to hide in the shadows of the pain and drama others created and cast upon me, no more covering for someone who didn't deserve to be protected, no more uncovering the painful lies I stumbled upon, one by one, and no more angst over how or where or why or what would be. Standing there, I fully understood, on every possible level, how liberation felt. It was a moment and an opportunity in which I could truly let go of all that hadn't served me for so long, and begin again. There will always be a special, appreciative place in my heart for the people who supported me through that and made it possible for me to land on my feet so I could face the unknown with courage, strength, grace and dignity and a strong sense of purpose. I recognize that it is in our darkest moments when we so very clearly see who our true friends are.

And then, the full spectrum of life happened, as it does to us all. It just happens. And it happens again. And again and again. At times, as it does to us all, life brought me to my knees... again. And again and again. Fortunately, I have a keen understanding that there is a curriculum I must learn, and that the lessons will keep coming until I have done so. I've always fancied myself a lifelong learner, so I suppose the "life lesson learning" should not be any different than the rest of of my education. Don't get me wrong... the number of amazing, inspiring and joyful moments far outweighs the difficult ones, and I realize that there are lessons in it all and am truly grateful for the highs, the lows and everything in between.

For it is because of the lessons that I experienced true, unconditional love for the first time in my entire life... but, more importantly, I learned not only how to love from the edges and depths of my soul, but also how to receive love. I cultivated mindfulness and worked on equanimity, and I understood with every fiber of my being the art of forgiveness and that it was I who needed to reap its benefits, not the people who received the forgiveness from me. I found my passion and fully recognized that my dharma was shining through in a new form, taking on a new shape, guiding me to a new life, and, even in the midst of a thousand sideways glances, I set out on a mission to make a career out of that which I love, knowing that I had no choice but to find a way or make one or else witness the slow death of my true self.

And throughout it all, the theme, the mantra, the overarching message has been, continues to be... Begin Again.

Each challenge, each stumble, each misstep, each heartbreak, each gut punching, knee buckling, back breaking moment is a test of resilience, of an ability to pick myself up, dust myself off, stand taller, prouder and, of course, Begin Again. After all, grit is, at its core, the stubborn refusal to quit, and perhaps it is the grittiest amongst us who learn to live authentically, peacefully, and fully, knowing that there are no guarantees, and that throughout our lives the curriculum presented to us will require us to begin again, many times over.

And so it seems only fitting, that on this Easter morning, on a day and in a season of symbolic and ritualistic new beginnings, at a time in which I've made the decision to downsize my car, my house, and, ultimately, my life, that I sip coffee from a mug I once wrote about in this very space as I enjoy the quiet solitude of the early hours of a new day, recognize that this morning's sunrise does not define itself by last night's sunset, and contemplate the opportunity that lies in front of me... the opportunity, of course, to Begin Again.