Monday, February 23, 2009


You know... it's interesting. People tell me sometimes that I am "inspiring" or "amazing". I scoff at those words because really, I am just me. The things that actually define me at my core have nothing to do with the fact that I have an incurable illness... and now it appears a neurological disease, also incurable, 'cause that's just how I roll.

Today, however, a friend for whom I have great admiration, used the word "courage" in reference to me, and I decided it fits, though not in the typical heroic or poetic sort of way.

It's more about finding the strength to do what needs doing while trying not to care about insignificant things like toys on the floor or laundry that needs folding. It's about getting out of bed in the morning and facing the litany of symptoms and suffering instead of wallowing in them. It's about showing up wherever I'm supposed to with a smile on my face, pretending to feel good and pain-free all the while looking like death warmed over, ignoring the whispers and even making jokes about the "you look horrible" comments. It's about not allowing self-pity to exist even when the pity party people show up on a daily basis. It's about finding the strength to keep on fighting even when I know for sure it would be easier physically and emotionally to curl up in a ball for awhile.

None of those things is really all that incredible... but I think each of them requires a certain amount of that everyday kind of courage we all have to call upon from time to time. I, however, have to keep it on speed dial these days.


newleaf said...

It's ok, though, to curl up in a ball once in a while. Sometimes you need to allow yourself that. Now matter how inspiring and amazing you are. :)

Anonymous said...

Newleaf is right. Sometimes courage is knowing you need that little rest so you can fight another day.

We need to feed the warrior. Sometimes that is a kick ass workout, sometimes it is a nap, sometimes it is a slow frigid ride to build confidence that you are crazy enough to do this :)

Life isn't about the tiras you get to put on at the end of the race. It is about the ones you wear while running that race.

Keep running kid!

Anonymous said...

My dad had issues. He and the world had some unfinished business.

He used to use the word courageo a lot, but he didn't mean courage as it is understood in common Wizard of Oz, Badge of Honour parlance.

He lived it in a more quiet and (I think) more humble perseverance in the face of an impenetrable and unbearable lightness of being.

It takes courage to stand up against something when some resolution (good or bad) is the obvious outcome.

It takes a far more subtle and patient peaceful resolve to persevere when there is no obvious beginning, middle or end to the conflict and the deviation from "normalcy"

It takes perseverance to understand that normal doesn't exist, but to nonetheless strive to create a semblance of it for the benefits of those around you.

Courage is strength today.
Perseverance is eternal and transcends time and generations.

Courage gets you to the battle.
Perseverance helps you ride your Trek right through it.


Brett said...

I missed seeing you this week. I think courage is a word that fits you perfectly, you are certainly one of the most couragous persons (people?) I have ever known. Along with being the most stubborn, hard headed, etc.

Praying for you, let us know if you need anything at all.

The Cranky Princess said...

Awww, shucks, thanks boys. Those comments make me feel all warm and fuzzy... you know, in a cold-hearted evil princess kind of way ;).