I think I'm in the wrong line of work and that my passion for writing is greatly underutilized given that I do jumping jacks for a living.
Therefore, I was thinking that my mad writing skillz could be better highlighted by a bit of a career change. Picture this: custom, high-end eulogy writing. Work with me here, folks! I am considering opening some sort of online Eulotique. Brilliant, no?! If someone gives me a general outline of a person's life, I would be most excellent at stringing together all that boring crap to make it sound exciting, inspiring and noteworthy. For a small upcharge known as a "Last Laugh Fee", I would be willing to include some humor,'cause Lord knows if you people don't giggle a little at my funeral I'll be both dead AND cranky and that sounds like a combination you want to avoid at all cost.
I would also be willing to go ahead and write your eulogy for you before you're pushing up daisies. This way you can ensure that whoever gets nominated to read it at your service actually knows something about you and can therefore speak eloquently, and with some degree of accuracy, about your life and accomplishments.
One simply can't put a price on the final words one speaks about a loved one. Wait. I can.