Trust

We all know that trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it, that foundation cracks, and whatever's been built upon it is at risk of crumbling. Trust can take years and years to build, yet can be destroyed in a matter of seconds, with the utterance of just a few words, or the painful moment when one discovers an egregious act has been committed.

The breaking of trust is the squashing of spirits and the killing of dreams. It is cruel in that it is not only situationally hurtful, but also in its ripple effect, seeping into the psyche of those who have been hurt, creating obstacles for them as they try to trust again. It causes constant questioning and results in an unsettledness that is difficult to explain to anyone who has not experienced it.

My life's lessons have taught me that people who are ego-driven are not trustworthy. They are so caught up in their "ME!"-ness that they refuse to consider how their actions affect the people around them. They are condescending and controlling in their communication, with an uncanny ability to make even the brainiest of braniacs feel foolish. They say whatever they think people want to hear, regardless of its veracity; they do what needs doing in order to stroke their own egos, even when doing so costs them everything and everyone about whom they care. They are incapable of true love because true love is selfless and unconditional, neither of which the ego understands.

I believe that these people struggle to find joy and contentment. They are looking to fill the voids in their hearts with things that truly don't matter. They can't possibly trust other people fully because they recognize that they, themselves, can't be trusted. Our natural inclination is to project who we are at our cores onto others, to look at life through the unique lens we each have created, a lens that mirrors ourselves, based on our thoughts, feelings and experiences. If we are pure and positive and treat others with the utmost love and respect, we assume others operate in much the same way. If we are dark and self-serving, it is hard to imagine that others do not follow suit.

Can trust ever be rebuilt? The logical side of me would like to believe that it can... yet I am not sure how one goes about healing deep wounds, inflicted by people in whom we believed, who we thought were least likely to ever cause us crippling pain. Can people so driven by ego that they forget there are living, breathing, feeling human beings on the other ends of their selfish actions change? The logical side of me would like to believe that they can... yet I am not sure that these types of people actually have the courage and strength to do so. It is my belief that it is the coward who hides behind his/her ego, and to truly evolve, we must face our fears, as well as our inner-demons, and find ways to fill with gratitude the voids in our hearts, and to recognize and appreciate that what we have within us is, indeed, enough.

I am a believer in value added relationships, and I am well aware that we only continue to stay in relationships that somehow serve us. Even under the most challenging of circumstances, when trust is gone and all that remains is a shred of hope, if we stay, it is because the relationship somehow serves us. Otherwise, we would recognize and act upon the need to simply walk away.

The strength it takes to wake up each morning with a resolve to trust again is unimaginable, on some levels. And yet, the human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it, and so we continue to do what needs doing in order to move forward, and sooner or later, we learn to trust again.

Really Random Thoughts...

1.  I just saw that rose gold and one piece bathing suits are in style.  Hmmmm... I am glad I am not particularly concerned about being a fashionista because there's way too much with which to keep up. I prefer my sparkly things, you know, like tiaras, set in platinum, thankyouverymuch. Additionally, I am contractually obligated to wear a bikini while doing a very important job on the bows of a variety of boats, so these developments could prove problematic.

2.  I look for signs of strength in so many areas of my life, and part of being strong includes a willingness to take care of me.  One of the ways I like to show others that I care about them is through cooking.  Yet, when I find myself alone, I subsist, primarily, on oatmeal, nut thins and water.  I need to do a better job of taking care of me in this regard.

3.  I miss skating.  A lot.  I still have my last pair of competitive skates; they sit, collecting dust, in my basement, a well worn pair of Riedell Gold Stars, purchased 30 years ago or so.  They no longer fit me the way they once did...where once they felt heavenly, they now feel tight and foreign on my feet, and the Ace blades have been sharpened so often that they are practically non-existent.  I can't even imagine how different the top of the line skates today feel, though I am sure I would be amazed.

The rink is my happy place.  It is the place to which I long to return when I have big thoughts through which to work, and yet the ice has been sorely lacking in my life for the last several years, years that provided, the arguably biggest thoughts to think.  

4.  AJ, the five month old lab-mix pound puppy, is terrified of Bailey The Wonder Cat. Bailey The Wonder Cat is acutely aware of the power he holds over AJ, and was just seen chasing the whimpering, tail tucked pup (who, incidentally, is clearly much bigger than the cat) down the hall. It's kind of how I envision people running away from me when I am in the midst of a particularly passionate hissy fit. Bailey is a badass.

5. Someone recently asked me who the caretaker of my emotions is... it was a question of love stemming from an observation that I spend a great deal of time in the care and keeping of the important people around me. I immediately responded that I am responsible for my own emotions, I take care of me. Upon further reflection, however, I have decided that it would be nice, in a perfect world, to have a prince charming who viewed this task as a shared responsibility.

Change of Venue

For years I have blogged primarily in a space that I deemed safer than Hissy Fits: a small community with plenty'o'privacy and a familiarity with the incredible folks there that could make even the iciest of hearts, like mine, melt (just a little, of course).

Sure, I would pop over to Hissy Fits to develop deeper thoughts sparked by the silliness I wrote there, but it is there that the majority of my day to day musings has dwelled. Years of memories are preserved there, and I suspect it's probably time to begin a memory migration, of sorts.

Further, it feels as though it's time for some changes in my kingdom, including a new venue for my ridiculously random, daily-ish thoughts. The aforementioned spot has changed quite a bit and, frankly, I have, too, as we all do, through experiencing the lessons life presents.

And so it seems that Hissy Fits will become a busier place... until such time as yet another change in venue is in order.